Models and Mortals
COBIE SMULDERS: I like this on principle, the gold and ivory combination is always great and there is some Greek goddess shiz going on with the gold leaf effect running up the leg but there is something wrong with the overall execution. It has some serious fit issues; it’s sagging at her chest and waist, places where no woman’s body should sag. I feel an urgent need to run up behind her and yank up the straps an inch and cinch in the waist.
On the other hand it must be fun to have the last name Smulders.
NICOLE RICHIE: This is quite a shitty photograph but I think Nicole is dangerously close to bobble head territory again. Besides that though I rather like her look, it’s kind of 90s but in a futuristic way, that or the dress actually IS from the nineties and just got seriously moth eaten in the back of her closet.
Kids kids it’s Donna Karen
LEIGHTON MEESTER: I would wear this dress to the moon and back. I would get married in it, give birth in it and for the sake of reaching a milestone that isn’t classed as ‘feminine’, I would win the Nobel Peace Prize in it. I would probably also die in it but only if they didn’t leave me in the thing. It’s too pretty to be cremated.
LEA MICHELLE: You know when you decide to hate a famous person based on nothing other than the fact that they seem kind of annoying in interviews but then feel bad because they are probably actually really nice and you don’t know them irl so how can you judge? Yea I reached that second stage with Taylor Swift and Anne Hathaway. I have not with Lea Michele. There is something about her that really irks me and because of it nothing she wears ever looks good.
KARLIE KLOSS: I guess if you are ever going to have a princess moment it might as well be at the Met Ball. I appreciate that those gloves are leather but I wish she had gone with some sort of spiked choker instead of that boring thing around her neck.
KATE MARA: Hi I’m Kate, the swamp queen of swampland.
RITA ORA: HI I’m Rita, some people think I look like Beyoncé but tonight I’m going for ‘Like a Virgin’ era Madonna. Also check out my blinged up version of Angelina Jolie’s Oscar leg!
GISELE: She wakes up like this
KIRSTEN DUNST: Of course Kirsten was the one to wear the Rodarte death star dress. Of course.
KRISTEN STEWART: First things first: SHE IS SMILING, not just smirking but a FULL ON GRIN. Is this a changed Kristen we are seeing? The dress though, is kind of wackadoodle. I wish she had hacked of the tulle overlay and just left the mini skirt. OH well, we can’t have everything I guess.
KATE UPTON: Hi I’m Kate; I’m a gothic country barmaid. Lovely to meet ya’ll.
SHAILENE WOODLEY : This is like a woodland fairy queen dress which is something I would usually love but if I’m honest, it’s just the wrong side of wack. Also what the fug have they done to her head? Seriously if you have a pixie cut PLEASE just wear it as Mia Farrow would. Do not, I repeat DO NOT smooth it down at the front and spike it up at the back like a fugging suburban mum.
MARGOT ROBBIE: This is a really cool dress; I am completely into it, just not on her. Bring back Naomi!
NAOMI WATTS: I feel like this dress was made for Natalie Portman to wear at the black swan premier but she rejected it like Naomi should have. Also it kind of looks like dirty Kleenex
KENDALL JENNER: Nude. Fishtail. Satin. Snore.
SOLANGE KNOWELS: I just don’t even know. Solange has trumped her sister for the last two Met Ball’s but this time… Maybe she felt the pressure to forfeit? The Beygency does not rest.
ADRIANA LIMA: Her hair looks as if it is attached to the dress which is a massive distraction but whatever, she’s a babe.
ALISON WILLIAMS: This is the girl Marnie is trying to be. I wish she had nixed the necklace though, it ages her about 10 years.
ANNE HATHAWAY: Sigh. This is perfection. Anne I tried not to like you, and I didn’t for a long while, but then you kept knocking it out of the park on the red carpet and kickin’ it with Jimmy Fallon. As long as there are no more breathless Oscar speeches on their way I think you have won me over for good. Aren’t you so glad about that?
SARAH SILVERMAN: I did not recognize Sarah and as long as she kept her mouth shut I am pretty certain I never would. I don’t know if that is a compliment or an insult but whatever, she looks stunning.
TAY TAY: I mean I guess this is nice? It refuses to evoke emotion in me though so we will file this under indifferent.
SUKI WATERHOUSE: Gets the prize for best princess moment of the night in Burberry. Bradley should be proud.
KATE BOSWORTH: Beautiful dress, impeccable styling, stunning face, perfect hair… The only thing that needs adding is a little bit of padding. Those hip bones could cut a bitch.
CARA DELEVINGNE: Those shoes have haunted me since I saw them in a consignment store in Sydney for a third of the price. Why I did not purchase them is an absolute mystery. Anyway, there are very few who could pull this ensemble off but she does it with aplomb. Please do not try this at home however, white pants this tight and this shiny are strictly reserved for the Delevingne’s and the Paltrows of this world.
BADGALRIRI: I wouldn’t expect anything less.
VICTORIA BECKHAM: The best thing about this picture is that Victoria is the same colour as Rihanna. The worst thing about this picture is that Victoria is the same colour as Rihanna.
ELIZABETH OLSEN: When your sisters are MK and A you really should have a firmer grasp on things. You should be able to look in the mirror and instantly tell if you look like you are about to perform in Swan Lake on ice. I am disappointed in you Elizabeth and actually going by this picture I’d say you were too.
50 Shades of Grey Girl: I LOVVVVVED this dress when it walked down the runway (Jason Wu) and I LOVVE it here as well. This is actually a really great look, princess-ish without being too on the nose.
MICHELLE WILLIAMS: She always looks so cute but I would dig this more if the print was’nt broken up by that white band..
EMMA STONE: She looks so stunning I sort of can’t handle it, she should just wear pink for the rest of her life. Amiright?
RACHEL MCADAMS: This is totally vintage McAdams circa The Notebook. A++ lady.
REESE WITHERSPOON: This is totally vintage Witherspoon circa Legally Blonde. A++ lady. Also, pretty sure this woman does not age.
Boobs Legsley makes her triumphant return but only brings Boobs along this time.
The club can’t even handle Johnny right now. Literally. He has lost us all.
I have reservations about what is going on with Bey’s head but am reluctant to voice them because of what might happen.
The Bad and The Terrible
I don’t know who this is and I dont care enough to look it up, what I do care enough about however is how offensively horrendous this dress is. Srsly is this an 80’s beauty pageant? Is she Miss Kentucky?
ZOE SALDANA: Is wearing her shower curtain around her waist.
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL: This is so many shades of wrong. The print looks like it was ripped off a Austin Powers set only more depressing, the cut around the neck makes her boobs look saggy and she is either way too tan or wearing the wrong shade of foundation. The only thing that is a shade of right is her hair. That, Shailene Woodly, is how you style a pixie cut.
Photo credit: Elle.com